Regan’s senior class had chosen this place for their graduation trip. Friends of students weren't really supposed to go but since I had just graduated last year and I knew the teacher’s, it was easy enough for me to get a seat on the bus. Regan and I snickered about my not having to pay the fee that everyone else had to. I brought money with me just in case I had to though. I didn't want to get thrown off the bus while we were traveling up to Kerhonkson, New York.
The thought of having a key to my own trailer started a thrill which caused a personal round of applause to erupt in my head. Not to mention the fact that while we were still at M&A, Regan had whispered in my ear, as we stood waiting for the buses.
“I know this is crazy but I brought the condoms that I've had hidden away, just in case.”
“No,” I said to her as I pulled away from her hand to look at her face.
“Yes,” she said slyly, “You never know. We might need them.”
I was going to say something dirty but at the same moment others were hollering that they could see the buses coming. This could turn out to be a very nice weekend but with all these other people around, I decided not to get my hopes up.
It was the second time I had ever been on a horse and hopefully, this time it would be fun. The first time was at Van Cortland Park stables with my eight grade class. Since the barn and gated area were so limited, the smell of dung was excruciating. The horses all looked old and tired, so instead of enjoying myself, I was feeling sorry for them. I sat in the saddle and the horse lumbered around the fence for about two minutes. I was very happy when the ride was over.
After the ride, we decided to split up. It was late in the afternoon and I’d heard that there were going to be other activities during dinner. Regan and I walked to her room so she could get her bag of personal items and I could get the key to the trailer.
"After going out the front door, bear right and just follow the road. It'll bring you right to the trailers. You can't miss it."
We said thanks and started on our journey. After we found the dirt paved road, we followed it for about a minute and then it winded to the left and down a small hill.
“Are we going the right way?” Regan said.
There were beginning to be more trees as we moved away from the resort. She was looking back in the direction we had come from. As she turned her head, I thought I saw something in the clearing.
“There they are,” I said. “Right down that hill. He wasn't kidding when he said just follow the road. We might have missed it if we hadn't.”
“Everything looks so nice,” Regan said as she moved quickly towards closed door in the left rear of the trailer.
She was still holding my hand and by now she was dragging me.
“Dyllon. Look at this.”
Before I got pass her, I could see that her mouth was open.
“This is beautiful!” I said to Regan. “It even looks better than the bedrooms at the resort.”
Regan was looking at me now instead of the bedroom. It was obvious why I was smiling from ear to ear. I could not believe our good fortune in getting such a beautiful place. Not to mention that we were enough of a distance from the resort that we would have total privacy.
Regan placed the bag she had brought with her on the one nightstand to the left of the headboard. I left the bedroom to check that the trailer door was securely locked. When I returned, there was no need for small talk since we were both of like minds. We shed our clothes and jumped into the bed in less than a minute. At first I had to shiver because the temperature under the sheets was cooler than in the bedroom but the sheets smelled so fresh and clean it didn't matter. After a few minutes of hugging and kissing to get warm, the time seemed right to try something new.
Regan looked at me with a soft smile and simply said, “I’ll get it.” She leaned to the right to get her bag.
“Dyllon. I’m sorry. I don’t have the condoms. I think I left them at home.”
My eyes shoot open like someone had slapped me.
“Are you sure? I mean, are you sure?”
“I really thought I put them in my bag,” Regan said looking me in the eye as if she was trying to search my feelings.
“Maybe they’re back in your room,” was all I could think to say. I said this, hoping against hope.
“No. I wouldn't have put them anywhere else,” Regan said with certainty. “I’m sorry. I’ll make it up to you,” but she said this with a lot less confidence.
As she cuddled next to me and rubbed my chest, she must have known how disappointed I was. I was trying not to play the numbers game but we’d been together for two and a half years and we had never done it. There was not going to be a more perfect opportunity than today. We could have screamed our heads off and nobody would have heard us. I didn't want to believe that she had left the condoms on purpose. That just didn't make any sense. She had always been honest with me before. I settled into blaming myself and taking responsibility. I guess I could have thought ahead also.
“Are you mad at me,” she asked quietly.
“No. I’m not mad. I’m disappointed but I’m not mad. It’s on me too. I could have brought some.”
I said this but I didn't believe it. I hadn't thought there was going to be a need. She had put the thought in my head that “it” might happen and I wished she hadn't.
Now she was getting quiet. What good would it do, hurting her feelings? She had to have left them by accident. I kissed her on the cheek and we then took advantage of the privacy. Doing “the regular” was nice but it was all I could do to act as if not doing something else didn't matter much. Afterwards, as we were leaving the trailer, we told jokes about how stupid the whole situation was.
After the dinner, which included some guy juggling and another doing a not-so-funny comedy act, we all went back to Regan’s room. There were about twenty-five of us piled into the room. Some on the two full-sized beds, some on the extra bunk bed and the rest were anywhere on the floor. The immediate “family” of friends considered Regan to be the mommy and I was the daddy. This game started back when I was still in M&A because Regan and I had been together for so long. The rest of the friends fell somewhere in the category of being some kind of play siblings.
“Are you okay?” Regan asked me and sleepily turned her face in my direction.
“I’m fine,” I said and kissed her on the ear.
This made her giggle and pull back a bit.
My last thought, which I kept to myself was, “I'm fine but I could have been better”.
A chapter from the book, Reflections of EL: In Search of Self, by Lloyd A. Green